Zwartz Talk

Warning — Onion Edition — The Gates of Hollywood

Hollywood To Install Gates To Protect The Hills

by Scott Zwartz

In response to the slumification of Hollywood south of Franklin Avenue, the portions of Hollywood north of Franklin Avenue will become gated communities similar to de Mille Drive and Cummings Drive. In a related move, all the Hill communities from Los Feliz westward, e.g. The Oaks, Beachwood will be collectively known as Elysium after the Matt Damon movie of the same name.


Due to the extra burden of living in a gated community, the city is rebating all property taxes for homeowners north of Franklin Avenue and each street will have a LAPD patrolman to monitor entrance to Elysium 24/7.


Arrangements are being made, however, for special Uber drivers to deliver groceries, dry cleaning, and gourmet pizzas.  In addition, special passes will be issued to poodle washers and home yoga instructors.


None of the high rises planned for Hollywood and Sunset Boulevards will be allowed to have windows facing the Hills as such widows could interfere with the privacy needs of Elysium homeowners.  “We spent $2.5 million for our 2 bedroom bungalow and we don’t want some pervers ogling us,” asserted Ms. [name deleted].




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This entry was posted on 03/17/2017 by .
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